Some people look at me and say “ah Zubby, all is well with you. You don’t have issues na.”
‘Hubby issa nice man. Zubby you are strong bla bla bla.’
It’s quite a familiar line.
People think I am very rich or at least don’t have issues with money. Or husband. Or children. Or faith. Anything whatsoever.
That’s not true. I have a lot of issues. A WHOLE lot of them.
As much as I work my damn ass off trying to make ends meet, something is there with the mouth wide open to swallow the little money I make. I work twice more than most of you because I double up as a wife, mother and a business woman with a writing career.
Upon that, I am very broke right now. No forming whatsoever. This is my current reality. It won’t always be this way.
Our marriage is far from perfect. My husband and I beef each other and sometimes sleep in separate rooms. Even though he claims it’s because our room is always cold. We argue and sometimes behave in odd ways. Like umuazi na anu ara.
And children nko? Sometimes I wish Chisim would eat like her age-mates. Its frustrating feeding her. Sometimes I wish little man is as strong as Chisim health wise.
Sometimes its irritating when they are unnecessarily clingy and demanding. Like did I impregnate maisef? Can’t they stay with their father and allow me fat in peace?
Sometimes I wish I have money to give them the best things they need. Sadly I can’t.
Let me borrow a line from Daddy Don Moen, “Lord You seem so far away. A million miles or more it feels today. And though I haven’t lost my faith, I must confess right now that its hard for me to pray”
Yes sometimes its hard to pray. You just close your eyes to pray and no words is coming out. You can’t even coordinate. You just there kneeling, saying nothing but with pains in your heart.
Other times it’s this line below
“Lord it’s hard for me to see all the thoughts and plans You have for me”
But do I tell you about all that I struggle with? No I don’t. The struggle is real too. So don’t get carried away by the amazing stories I share.
I share the amazing times with you to encourage you, not because I have it all together, but while encouraging and inspiring you, I am encouraging and inspiring myself too. I am talking to myself even more.
Sometimes things are very rough. Sometimes smooth. That’s how this world was designed.
You won’t have it smooth all the time, or rough. Sometimes you have the both. Somewhere in between. It’s not so great but not so bad either.
Don’t allow any of the stages steal your faith. Hope.
I’ve had my low moments. Heck I have even thought of leaving my children and running away. Or even disappearing so that my hubby will find me small after he haff vex me.
I had have many thoughts of giving up. Even this yesterday nka gara aga, I thought of giving up on a project. Sometimes everyday. Sometimes I don’t understand why something simple has to be twice difficult.
But I press FORWARD each day. Knowing that in the PAINS lies the GAINS. The gold is being refined in the fire. Sometimes I drag my lazy ass back to work because the only way to make a difference is to keep moving.
And I am encouraging you, no matter how heavy your steps may be right now, keep lifting it.
Keep moving. Keep crawling. Keep shifting. Each inch you take brings you closer. Closer to the miracle.
If you lose your faith, you are as good as dead. There is nothing left for you. No one can help you.
Pick the shattered dreams and keep moving.
Hold your faith tight. Keep your hope alive. Fuel it daily or else ‘okuo engine!’
Don’t you dare give up! Don’t ever try it!
Good morning FAM!